The following letter describes a problem experienced by millions of men and women:
"My wife is late to everything, which of course makes me late too. I've talked to her about it, over and over, but it doesn't make any difference. It makes me so mad, but then she gets mad too, and then we don't speak to each other the rest of the evening. There's got to be a way out of this."
First, you need to see that your wife doesn't make you angry. I know it seems like she does, but really she has little to do with it. We react to events with anger only when we are already empty and afraid-when we don't have enough Real Love in our lives. Without enough of the single most important ingredient for happiness, we're in pain all the time, and in that condition it takes virtually nothing to make our pain intolerable and push us over the edge.
When your wife is late, it's just plain inconvenient. When you already don't feel loved-as a result of an entire lifetime of unloving experiences-that inconvenience alone is enough to throw you off the tracks. But the truth is, there's a lot more than just the inconvenience going on. Each time she's late, you also hear her saying that she doesn't care about you--that she doesn't love you--and after a lifetime of hearing that, it's more than you can stand. When you get angry, you don't feel quite as helpless-you get a taste of Imitation Love in the form of power-and sometimes you actually motivate her to change her behavior, so that you're not inconvenienced.
But does your anger really get you what you want? Of course not. What you really want is a loving relationship with her. That's a lot more important than being on time--really--and every time you get angry at her, you make the higher goal pretty much impossible. Not the best move, would you say? Imagine: The Titanic is sinking, but you've left your wallet in your room. You'd like to get your wallet, but are you willing to get it at the price of your life? That really is what's happening here. You're trying to be on time at the cost of your marriage. Is it really worth it?
Now, you have to wonder, is it possible to have both? A happy marriage and being on time? Yes, as long as you remember to put Real Love first in the equation.
Right now, when you talk about being on time, because of your anger she can only hear that you don't love her-so that's pretty much the end of the conversation. Nothing good can happen after she hears that message. So how can you change that? How can you be more loving?
First, don't talk to her about being late while she's late. By that time, you're upset, and she's feeling pressured, and you will not have a productive conversation. Talk to her when neither of you is distracted by anything else, and say to her,
"Sweetie, for years I've been nagging you about being late, and I'm just beginning to see what an idiot I've been to do that. Every time I get angry at you, I'm only thinking of myself, and you can feel that. You hear me say with my behavior that I don't care about you, and I'm sorry for that-it's been a huge mistake on my part. Now, I'm not going to promise you I won't make the same mistake again, but now that I recognize it, I really do think I'll do it less."
I make you a promise: In the moment you say this, you will have her attention, because when you're admitting your selfishness-when you're not defending yourself and trying to be right-you're communicating that you care about her.
Does this mean you have to put up with being late to everything for the rest of your life? No, it doesn't. After apologizing for being selfish, you keep talking to her. Say something like, what "There's no excuse for my nagging you and being selfish-It's wrong, and I'm going to work on that-but I also want to be on time from now on. Notice that I said that *I* want to be on time. I am not telling you what you have to do. So let's talk about how we could make that possible."
Now there are lots of options you could discuss with her.
First you need to understand that you don't have the right to control her. We all get to make our own choices in life, even the ones that inconvenience other people. That's the Law of Choice that we read about in the book, Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships.
A relationship is a natural result of the choices people make independently. Your wife has chosen to be late-that's her right to do-but that doesn't keep you from independently making the choices you want. You can still choose to be on time, but it should be obvious that if you choose to be on time to an event, and she chooses to be late, you won't be able to travel together to that event.
Tell her that you are not going to be angry anymore, but you're also going to be on time, so on occasion that might require that you take separate transportation. Tell her that each time the two of you are going somewhere together, you'll tell her ahead of time exactly what time you'll be leaving, and if she wants to go with you, she'll need to be in the car by that time. You are not telling her what to do-is that clear?-you're simply choosing to be on time yourself, and then you're giving her the choice of whether or not she wants to go with you. If she chooses not to be on time-no problem-she can still go to the event, and she can still spend time with you AT the event, but she won't be able to travel there with you.
So how would that look? You could go in separate cars (if you have more than one), or one of you could figure out another way to get where you're going-borrow a car, take a taxi or a bus or whatever. Lots of options.
After you've described this to her, start leaving at the time you've said. Don't look back as you drive away, do not feel guilty, don't be angry, and don't deliver any lectures about being on time. Just do what you've said you'd do, and you'll discover that you don't have to get upset at the choices of other people anymore. You simply make your own choices and allow other people to make theirs.
She probably won't believe you're serious about this until the first time you leave without her. People who are chronically late are pretty selfish. They just don't think about the time and convenience of other people. They just can't believe that the world doesn't revolve around them. The first time you leave before her, she might get angry and say some unkind things. Do not defend yourself. Simply explain to her again-without irritation or a need to be "right"-that you are not making her be on time. You're just choosing to be on time yourself. If she wants to go with you, she only has to get ready earlier and be ready at the prescribed time. Tell her that you'd love it if she went with you.
This approach could seem harsh to some, but it's much better than continuing to allow your marriage to be destroyed by the anger and blaming you're experiencing now. You're not controlling her in any way. She can still do whatever she wants, but she can't choose any longer to make you late.
You'll work this out just fine as long as you remember that it's always about Real Love. If you become irritated-if she hears that you don't love her-the conversation is over. You have to accept her completely, and if she really feels that, one of two things will happen:
First-without the deadly distractions of anger and contention, you'll be able to come up with a way to get both of you there separately: two cars, cab, whatever.
Second-and I've seen this happen with many couples-she'll quit being late. Really. Think about it: Right now, why should she go out of her way to be on time for somebody-you in this case-who gets mad at her and who with his behavior tells her he doesn't love her. Most of the time, she probably doesn't want to be with you at all, much less be with you on time. This is no criticism of you-98% of marriages run like this.
As she feels more and more loved by you, though, the odds will improve dramatically that she will want to be with you, and that will include being with you on time.
Dr. Greg Baer is the author of 16 books, DVDs, and CDs—two of which are internationally published by Penguin Putnam Group—and has presented the life-changing message of Real Love to hundreds of thousands of people all over the world.
"My wife is late to everything, which of course makes me late too. I've talked to her about it, over and over, but it doesn't make any difference. It makes me so mad, but then she gets mad too, and then we don't speak to each other the rest of the evening. There's got to be a way out of this."
First, you need to see that your wife doesn't make you angry. I know it seems like she does, but really she has little to do with it. We react to events with anger only when we are already empty and afraid-when we don't have enough Real Love in our lives. Without enough of the single most important ingredient for happiness, we're in pain all the time, and in that condition it takes virtually nothing to make our pain intolerable and push us over the edge.
When your wife is late, it's just plain inconvenient. When you already don't feel loved-as a result of an entire lifetime of unloving experiences-that inconvenience alone is enough to throw you off the tracks. But the truth is, there's a lot more than just the inconvenience going on. Each time she's late, you also hear her saying that she doesn't care about you--that she doesn't love you--and after a lifetime of hearing that, it's more than you can stand. When you get angry, you don't feel quite as helpless-you get a taste of Imitation Love in the form of power-and sometimes you actually motivate her to change her behavior, so that you're not inconvenienced.
But does your anger really get you what you want? Of course not. What you really want is a loving relationship with her. That's a lot more important than being on time--really--and every time you get angry at her, you make the higher goal pretty much impossible. Not the best move, would you say? Imagine: The Titanic is sinking, but you've left your wallet in your room. You'd like to get your wallet, but are you willing to get it at the price of your life? That really is what's happening here. You're trying to be on time at the cost of your marriage. Is it really worth it?
Now, you have to wonder, is it possible to have both? A happy marriage and being on time? Yes, as long as you remember to put Real Love first in the equation.
Right now, when you talk about being on time, because of your anger she can only hear that you don't love her-so that's pretty much the end of the conversation. Nothing good can happen after she hears that message. So how can you change that? How can you be more loving?
First, don't talk to her about being late while she's late. By that time, you're upset, and she's feeling pressured, and you will not have a productive conversation. Talk to her when neither of you is distracted by anything else, and say to her,
"Sweetie, for years I've been nagging you about being late, and I'm just beginning to see what an idiot I've been to do that. Every time I get angry at you, I'm only thinking of myself, and you can feel that. You hear me say with my behavior that I don't care about you, and I'm sorry for that-it's been a huge mistake on my part. Now, I'm not going to promise you I won't make the same mistake again, but now that I recognize it, I really do think I'll do it less."
I make you a promise: In the moment you say this, you will have her attention, because when you're admitting your selfishness-when you're not defending yourself and trying to be right-you're communicating that you care about her.
Does this mean you have to put up with being late to everything for the rest of your life? No, it doesn't. After apologizing for being selfish, you keep talking to her. Say something like, what "There's no excuse for my nagging you and being selfish-It's wrong, and I'm going to work on that-but I also want to be on time from now on. Notice that I said that *I* want to be on time. I am not telling you what you have to do. So let's talk about how we could make that possible."
Now there are lots of options you could discuss with her.
First you need to understand that you don't have the right to control her. We all get to make our own choices in life, even the ones that inconvenience other people. That's the Law of Choice that we read about in the book, Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships.
A relationship is a natural result of the choices people make independently. Your wife has chosen to be late-that's her right to do-but that doesn't keep you from independently making the choices you want. You can still choose to be on time, but it should be obvious that if you choose to be on time to an event, and she chooses to be late, you won't be able to travel together to that event.
Tell her that you are not going to be angry anymore, but you're also going to be on time, so on occasion that might require that you take separate transportation. Tell her that each time the two of you are going somewhere together, you'll tell her ahead of time exactly what time you'll be leaving, and if she wants to go with you, she'll need to be in the car by that time. You are not telling her what to do-is that clear?-you're simply choosing to be on time yourself, and then you're giving her the choice of whether or not she wants to go with you. If she chooses not to be on time-no problem-she can still go to the event, and she can still spend time with you AT the event, but she won't be able to travel there with you.
So how would that look? You could go in separate cars (if you have more than one), or one of you could figure out another way to get where you're going-borrow a car, take a taxi or a bus or whatever. Lots of options.
After you've described this to her, start leaving at the time you've said. Don't look back as you drive away, do not feel guilty, don't be angry, and don't deliver any lectures about being on time. Just do what you've said you'd do, and you'll discover that you don't have to get upset at the choices of other people anymore. You simply make your own choices and allow other people to make theirs.
She probably won't believe you're serious about this until the first time you leave without her. People who are chronically late are pretty selfish. They just don't think about the time and convenience of other people. They just can't believe that the world doesn't revolve around them. The first time you leave before her, she might get angry and say some unkind things. Do not defend yourself. Simply explain to her again-without irritation or a need to be "right"-that you are not making her be on time. You're just choosing to be on time yourself. If she wants to go with you, she only has to get ready earlier and be ready at the prescribed time. Tell her that you'd love it if she went with you.
This approach could seem harsh to some, but it's much better than continuing to allow your marriage to be destroyed by the anger and blaming you're experiencing now. You're not controlling her in any way. She can still do whatever she wants, but she can't choose any longer to make you late.
You'll work this out just fine as long as you remember that it's always about Real Love. If you become irritated-if she hears that you don't love her-the conversation is over. You have to accept her completely, and if she really feels that, one of two things will happen:
First-without the deadly distractions of anger and contention, you'll be able to come up with a way to get both of you there separately: two cars, cab, whatever.
Second-and I've seen this happen with many couples-she'll quit being late. Really. Think about it: Right now, why should she go out of her way to be on time for somebody-you in this case-who gets mad at her and who with his behavior tells her he doesn't love her. Most of the time, she probably doesn't want to be with you at all, much less be with you on time. This is no criticism of you-98% of marriages run like this.
As she feels more and more loved by you, though, the odds will improve dramatically that she will want to be with you, and that will include being with you on time.
Dr. Greg Baer is the author of 16 books, DVDs, and CDs—two of which are internationally published by Penguin Putnam Group—and has presented the life-changing message of Real Love to hundreds of thousands of people all over the world.
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